and it goes, something like this

much change is happening. much transition is uprising. i can see the silence, rushing. the nearness. Like, standing on a skyline. Or sitting in an airplane. You can see the city below. The cars, vaguely the people. The lights. oh and the clouds, if your view is high enough.
remarkable. I can see whats coming, knots in your stomach. Transition. Its my beginning of really leaving adolescence.
New country, New smells, New people. New culture. While im flying over the sea and over country, home will be changing too.
New house, New room, New place, New memories. changed faces, changed hearts.

i love change, i do. but this one is coming uponmefast.

oh, hello.



im preparing, as much as i can. how do you prepare. my lists wont cover this one.




anyway,

the lady i love most. the lady i love much, has a birthday tomorrow.
my mum. my best friend, my constant. 18 years. These sentences could never really express, how much i truly love and adore her.
imreally learning that we can do so much more than our words.
happy birthday beautiful,

a chorus from the underground

delicate, right now. gentle sounds are preferred. you know those times?

(worried shoes by Karen O is on) thats the kind of delicate, i need right now. Sleep has caught me in some sort of monotonous pattern. Blank dreams, Others full of rapid detail, the ones i will most likely blur out. in attempt to anyway.

Nothing depressing, nothing not worth getting out of. Its just here. Its a transition into something else, you know? Just like the long winter, transitioning into spring, then that into summer and that hot summer, into something cooler. An autumn. back, to the long winter, a nice one, a new one. (on repeat)

There is change in everything. Transition.

There is opportunity.

To constantly progress.

i'll try to remember this. I wish somehow, my thoughts were recorded for the day, my ideas, even some of the things i see. So at the end, of that day, i could replay everything. remember it again. My head seems to move faster than my memory, or my chance to catch it all. I want to remember this one. there is opportunity. There is transition, thats where im at. a chorus from the underground, wanting for the person atop to walk, keep walkin' on by.

Its that time again, to rearrange.

here we go,

there's no title for this one,

change? my friend, my new perspective, my freedom

Me? I'm leaving, this time. Not just emotionally; Literally.          England. 

You? You've already left. Without warning.                                     Again.

Im not sure, what is even going on inside my head. Its strange to not feel anything to articulate

Im not sure, what is even going on inside your head. I know the last page so well, I cant read the first.

Its hard, to really write on here. to be so vague, not so personal, yet just enough to feel like, these words,

these thoughts, feelings, in this typing motion; are outside of me. 

'Im on the outside of love, Always under or above. Must be a different view,to be a me, with a you.'

Im finding it hard tonight to not cry.

Im finding it hard tonight to not cry.

Im finding it hard to really get you out.  When everything is ALWAYS left unsaid. you, You always leave, without warning. Honestly, I cant understand, the detachment you seem to form for yourself so easily. Words? your words, show no cause. Just like i said In the car that night, a handful of times, Actions speak louder than words. I suppose thats why you always leave without words. Actions DO speak louder than your words. Your unmoved legs, forgetful heart & monotonous days, speak, even scream louder than your silent words. Maybe thats why its now seeming difficult to get you out. You? you've already gotten out. Its me, right? Always so. Its my turn this time, to help you with your easy detachment, to finally, make permanence. Somewhere, when your words became repetitive, i filled in some cracks. Trust wasnt clinging onto you. Your consistency, formed to be like water and oil. Only providing the fullest of Inconsistency.It became less hurtful, less potent. less framing for the tears, less accepting. and so, here i am now. Im not sure what is closure. For two years, it seems the cracks have never really been filled. closed then Breaking open, cracking more. More light to take in, more space to fill. Acceptance. How to re-close all of that? 

Only time can tell. Slowly, through perspective, through something, the cracks are closing. 

just as quick as you left, you reappear. somewhere. but this time, im leaving. not for you. but for me, 

so there is no room for you to reappear. 

change? my friend, my new perspective, my freedom

Here's to first loves. Here's to first loves lost. 

lost? thats why im having a hard time, not framing my tears 

with your inconsistency. 

I'll let them fall, because;

'I finally made it.

I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.'

this.

today the sisters come home, joy joy joy joy.

sistas

and today, i really, think its going to happen.

droitwich spa

today, i am grateful for good conversation. 

uplifting, words

today, in honesty, my heart is tired of waking up

with cloudy, unwanted dreams of you.

today, i'll love the day

pour la vie est belle

today, look at the gorgeous sunshine,

spring, come soon.

for opportunity; for god.

its not difficult to sit back, and find beauty. 

erasing, deleting, scribbling; the opposite of keeping

you.

there there

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... 

We need silence to be able to touch souls. 

-Mother Teresa

Im finding serene moments in my silence. Being alone is perspectively becoming rewarding.

This morning, tired eyes. Serene, quiet place. Water, God, beauty.

Bed made, creativity is running right now. Ill write to Mexico, 

start my photo project. (you'll see soon-hopefully)

read.

make a call,

write another letter.

We need silence to be able to touch souls